i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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