I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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