i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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