I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
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You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive