I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!