cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.