Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
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I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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