How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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