I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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