if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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