peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
