I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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