Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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