She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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