phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
