Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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