I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He shit in the fireplace
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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