whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
