okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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