Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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