I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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