you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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