I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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