Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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