we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
