My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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