i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
