He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
