So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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