K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
