I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
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I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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