oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's blow job season.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
