so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
