speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
