I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
