she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
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If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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