but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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