I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
