From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
