for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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