I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
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I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
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Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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