I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
false alarm, still single
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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