I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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