Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
