from now on my penis is your penis
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
