i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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