At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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