Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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