Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
