Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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