I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
