Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
