I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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