I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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