just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
