nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
