nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
