I cannot find my penis.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Holy shit dude........stairs
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