Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
what day is it and did you see me today?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
