I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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