Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
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